here, my hope is found.

At small group tonight, we talked about anxiety and stress and how, most of the time, our anxiety came from something that happened to us in the past. I'm all too aware of anxiety and what makes me anxious so this topic was something that really stuck out to me. While a lot of people encounter day-to-day anxiety, or small things that make them anxious, I'm almost always anxious. [committing to the sentence "I'm always anxious" fills me with anxiety but there are certain things that will always make me anxious.] I started talking to someone about it this semester and it's something that I want to work on this year. But ANYWAYS. We listed things that make us anxious and just shared some with the group and a couple that really get me are:

• Feeling like I'm not good enough/worth people's time/or like I don't deserve good things
• Feeling like I won't amount to anything/I won't accomplish anything
• Feeling like I won't meet expectations from myself/from others
• And just worry about the future, like God won't provide so I live in desperate need of control

Toxic thoughts, y'all. I mean seriously toxic. These are ridiculous things and I have no reason to believe these, except for how people have treated me in the past but in believing these lies from the world, I'm denying and ignoring the promises from the Lord for my life.

The Lord created us in His image exactly how he imagined. He knew us before we were even born and He knows how many hairs are on our head and how many days we have to come.

We read Matthew 6 and a few verses stood out to me:

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

God has provided with each day that has passed and will provide with every day to come. God's plan is infinitely better than any we could ever come up with or want for ourselves. He has a plan and purpose for our lives and how egotistical are we to get mad at the creator of our universe for not having "perfect timing" and blaming Him for "not providing?"

As I drove away from church, I plugged in my phone and turned on my "It is well" playlist on Spotify, a playlist full of worship music that just fills me with joy. The song "At the Cross (Love Ran Red)" by Chris Tomlin came on and I started singing along and started to see the lyrics that perfectly lined up with our topic of anxiety tonight. (Thanks for that little teaching moment, God.)

At the cross

At the cross

I surrender my life.

I'm in awe of You

I'm in awe of You

Where Your love ran red

and my sin washed white.

I owe all to You

I owe all to You Jesus.

There's a place where sin and shame are powerless.

Where my heart has peace with God and forgiveness.

Where all the love I've ever found.

Comes like a flood,

Comes flowing down.

Here my hope is found

Here on holy ground

Here I bow down

Here arms open wide

Here You save my life

Here I bow down

Here I bow down

I heard the lyrics "Here my hope is found, here on holy ground, here I bow down" and instantly thought, "That's exactly what I need to do. Find my hope in God in the circumstances I can't control and bow down to Him with my insecurities, doubts, worries, and obsessions, leaving them behind and chasing after Him."

His love ran red and my sin washed white so that I could be free from my anxiety and worry and instead be full of His love, mercy, grace, and compassion. How can I sit here and find my identity in what others think of me or think that I'm not worth people's time when I'm a daughter of Christ, made in His image? We serve an awesome God that has come so that we could have life and have it to the full (John 10:10). We should find our identity in Him and constantly point others back to Him.

Just wanted to share some truth with y'all because I know that this is a subject that affects everyone. You are beautiful and loved and He has awesome plans for your life. Stop blaming Him for not instantly providing and sit back, have faith, and praise God for being so dang awesome.

xoxo, Molly

I love you all so much and I'm thankful for people who read my jumbly thoughts. After sitting in small group tonight, I decided to challenge myself this year and start a year of thanksgiving. What does this mean? I'm going to (attempt to) Instagram something everyday that I'm thankful for. I think I've gotten caught up in what I don't have or how God hasn't given me what I've "really wanted" and I've lost sight of what I do have and how many things He has blessed me with.

#mollys365daysofgratitude starting on February 10, 2015. Let's go.